Some time ago Bryan (My boyfriend) and I were up all night on his day off from work - not unusual. We were doing some things and some other things, and somewhere between all those things his hand was sliced right open. The web area too, right between his index finger and his thumb. The cut is deep - that was quickly understood. He and I did a little song and dance for about twenty minutes before we ended up taking him to the ER. I think the version we gave the ER went something like this; “He sliced open his hand cutting potatoes for lunch, because we’re vegetarians, so you know, we eat potatoes.” So let’s stick with that. Well, we’d been up all night and we’re running low on energy and feeling a bit distracted - obviously. Bryan had never been truly injured in his life, so it was a bit of a role change for us. We’re both happy that it isn’t exactly a pivotal - life-changing event, but it does require obvious attention. He then claims his fingers are going numb. That’s fantastic. We eventually decide as we’re waiting in the ER to be seen that it’s because he’s holding his hand above his heart to control the blood flow, while he holds an item of his clothing tightly around his hand - making it feel numb and tingly. Well, Duh. So the finger numbness pretty much just continues. But we don’t really pay attention for the time being. Now we’re being seen finally, sweet. So we walk on in to his room. He finds the hospital bed, and I stand above him, checking down the hallway while he has a sit down and we sideways laugh about the whole incident. Wondering where the fuck the doctors are. We wait, and wait, and wait. God this is fucking lame. So finally a nurse comes in to prepare everything for the doctor who will stitch Bryan’s hand. I turn around to check back down the hallway again, and Bryan randomly asks “So, you’re pretty comfortable in this environment, huh?” - and I reply, “Of course” - and keep checking down the hallway. As I turn back around to look at Bryan, and offer a comforting glance, he looks at me and says “Hil, will you marry me?” . . . I sit on this rolly chair beside him and though my mouth is open, I’m not able to really speak, so I just stare at him like a fucking retard for several minutes or more. Now what goes through my head instinctually is, ‘this is a joke, where the hell is his, ha-ha-ha?’ Hmm he’s looking at me super intensely, maybe he’s serious, oh fuck he is, fuck, okay what’s my answer, think you fucking retard’ And I still say nothing. The doctor walks in finally, and we are preoccupied with that situation for a moment. So we’re there in that room, both pretty silent and the doctor is now asking Bryan questions about if he plays in a band and so they talk it up about drumming and band shit for a minute; and it’s a complete loss of patient-doctor reality to a suddenly testosterone driven male on male mental masturbation landscape. And meanwhile I’m staring off into the bloody mess called Bryan’s hand, trying to record the doctors moves, and imagining myself, being in the doctors position one day, which presses on my brain to think of the word “future” and back round again to the question Bryan just asked me moments before this moment. I decide my answer a few stitches in. I realize the time isn’t very appropriate to speak, so I get my phone out and pretend I’m texting someone, when really I’m just typing out my answer to his question to show him while he’s being worked on. I poke his shoulder and show him my phone saying something like ‘Look what my mom text messaged me with” I just wasn’t in the mood to broadcast this topic, and I’m sure Bryan wasn’t either. He reads my answer and he just smiles at me, and I smile at him, and it’s a nice moment. The doctor continues to stitch, a nurse walks in to prepare a tetanus shot for Bryan. Bryans hand is beginning to stop bleeding into a bowl below his bed and he says he still has finger numbness - but overall, is feeling Alright. I look around the room, at the situation, at Bryan, at the doctor, and I feel something I really enjoy feeling, in a long time. The room didn’t appear disordered. Even though the situation at first thought didn’t seem historic, or even remarkable, it was now. Unusual and fitting for us, and completely surprising.


My answer to him is obvious. He claims he had been thinking this over for a long time now, and that this incident though unplanned, was the perfect moment to ask. And it really was. What shocks me the most is that he’d been thinking this over for a long time now - when, we both always agreed on this subject. And I thought, that we both didn’t need to do the marriage thing to prove our love. We’ve been together for over 8 years 9 years almost or just about. We always had plans to just do our own thing and live together and continue on, so this is completely the last thing I had ever imagined Bryan doing/saying/asking/ and even thinking. But when he asked, all those talks about it, went out the window, and everything just felt right. I suddenly felt more . . . More, something I can’t quite articulate.

I told my mother and sisters first. Then we told Bryans parents who are very supportive of us and have let me live over there for the greater half of our 8-9 years together. It’s my Dad who isn’t accepting this at all yet. He has some time to hopefully accept because I need him there to walk me down the aisle. Which we’ve both agreed we’re having the ceremony outdoors and not in a church type of deal. I think Jenn was the first to say “Well, it’s about time, I mean you guys are pretty much stuck to each other, every time you’ve even tried to leave you always come right back to one another” and that’s just it, every time we *try* to leave, we just come right back, because I don’t think we really ever leave each other in the first place. Let me just say - I can’t fucking wait to marry Bryan! We have already made a few plans, it’s going to be very official and soft, and pretty and lovely. The ring, the theme, the location spots (Half Moon Bay is our first choice but we’re keeping our options open) We plan to move out first. After I’ve been with Kaiser for a few months, and we’ve saved enough money from his job we’ve decided we’ll have the ceremony. After we pick a place to live, move all our stuff to the place, take our honeymoon so when we come back from the honeymoon, we’ll open the door to our very first place together, spending our first night as a married couple. As Bryan said “That way we’ll come home and it’ll be like a new chapter of us” Which I couldn’t agree to liking more.
We have the rest of the year to plan the wedding, we want it to be perfectly beautiful and completely lavish for a much as we can afford. My mom wants to waste money we don’t have getting a wedding planner -.- but I think that idea is bunk. I can save a lot of money making the invitations on photoshop myself, and save the money for the classic things. The food, bar, dress, etc. etc.
I am truly happy. I don’t exactly like to broadcast that fact but it is apparent regardless of the undertow - I don’t need to knock on wood. The Kaiser thing was first, and then a few bumpy spots, and now the engagement comes to sweep up all the trivial messes. How does one hold onto the grudges of the old and ugly when the beauty of what is to become, actually legitimizes how slight everything has been before now. I think I would have to really devalue my time and worth, and my futures worth to go back there now or again. What an interesting time and I want to be fully aware of myself in it, and actually mentally there for it, for Him.